Last year I was diagnosed with stage 1 skin cancer. I was 38 years old. I was shocked, it took me a year and a half to go through all stages of the circle of grief…. And only now I got an answer to my question- why?…
I didn’t want to discuss it, I didn’t want to address it, it was too scary and I was facing very uncomfortable emotions that I didn’t want to feel.
I had to pretend to be brave in front of my 7 year old son, inside I felt like I was fake and I knew that being fake for my son and pretending I was ok, was what I had to do at the time. It wasn’t being strong, it was having that wisdom that it was the right thing to do, just that….
Today I know that having cancer was a blessing in my life.
I know, it sounds weird and ridiculous and partonising to those with advanced cancer and. I am apologising to those, whose
lives have been ended or destroyed by it.
Let me explain why it was a blessing. I believe it is important to share this experience and this might inspire and help someone.
God, or higher power, or whatever you might call it, was very kind to me… I never lived a day or had to go to be at night knowing I had cancer. I only learnt I had cancer 6 weeks after It was removed from my skin during a follow up appointment, when the results of my biopsy were disclosed to me.
Yes, it was the most advanced skin cancer- melanoma, and I had to have further wide excision surgery which left me with 9 cm scar and further MRI tests on my entire body and 9 more moles excised as a precaution, but…
It was stage 1, so hasn’t spread deeper into skin layers where blood vessels carry cancer cells and spread them all over the body, it had been removed and I was assured with little certainty that I was ok, and that my 10 year survival rates were 85%.
I thought to myself, ok, 85 % probability that I will live 10 years…. This didn’t sound too bad, I could live with that thought…
Then came the denial stage, then why me, etc… you know how the circle of grief goes…
With sarcasm and anger I was telling God, : ’’One day I will find out why this challenge was given to me… Me, who is 38 years old and has a 7 year old child…’’
And, I certainly did find out why: … -To tell you this story, to inspire you, to shake you out of your negative and limited thinking…
Like this bomb was dropped out of the sky on me, I had many thoughts going on inside, I talked to myself a lot.. I didn’t feel like I could or even wanted to talk to anyone about it, but I had to talk to myself about it, like all the time…
Opening up about this is part of my own healing process… I couldn’t before, but I can now… What does it mean? Maybe, it just means that I am ready to face this…I am curious… I am not angry about it any more, or may be just less angry… I don’t have the answers, but at least, I am asking the questions now… That’s the start…
Before I used to indulge in my negative thinking, excuse my own failures by blaming them on others and the circumstances.
Being positive was hard work and unnatural to me but I was fairly smart in understanding that thoughts that I was planting were going to grow, so I was intentionally making myself think positive thoughts, changing negative into positive… I did a lot of CBT… But, my mind was denying it all as bullshit in the background, but I was trying…
Today I practice gratitude and it comes naturally to me without any effort, all I want is to be healthy. My 5, 10 year plan is- to be healthy, that’s all. I don’t like this question about my 5 year plan and if asked, I could answer in a slightly rude, considered by some, way, as I don’t have certainty that I have 5 years. It’s good and it’s bad, it’s both.
Good, because now I live in a moment. I truly feel the moment, I am aware that the moment is all I have. Bad- because I don’t feel certainty that I have long life ahead of me, even today I am completely healthy…But I am ok with this uncertainty, as I gained something more that this, the ability to live in the moment.
Before, I always felt like what I was doing was like a dress rehearsal for a better future… When I am wiser, slimmer, more beautiful, more successful, when I have a better job, nice boyfriend…Today I know that I might never have any or some of these gifts and it is ok. It really feels ok, it doesn’t scare me any more…
I had to face some of human’s biggest fears- mortality… Some people never have or never choose to face their biggest fears… I did… It was super scary and you can imagine the thoughts that a mother of a 7 year old experiences when thinking of dying… I believe if I never had a child, it would not have been so scary to die…
It was a journey…. Today, I am a transformed woman… I only feel this way because I was given this illness. My whole belief system was turned upside down… Things that used to worry me when I was healthy seemed so silly and unimportant. I can only compare it to a psychedelic experience when your whole world dies in one minute and you are there in that moment with you and you…. Looking at yourself, talking to yourself, cuddling yourself, badmouthing yourself… The list goes on and on… Even if you wanted to find a distraction or any outside influence to get you disengage from yourself, it simply doesn’t exist… You are forced to question your thoughts, opinions and beliefs… Is it really true? And, of course, you can no longer lie to yourself like it is true…
So then you are crushed from the whole realization that everything you believed in, were just thoughts that you thought over and over again and at one point you told yourself it was true… But it was just your brain’s way to keep you alive, protect you and keep you safe, in your own comfort zone, so just in case things didn’t work out, you could blame others or circumstances….
After cancer happened somehow this mechanism didn’t work any more… I had to really question everything and find answers to same questions… These answers were often painful and empowering, I felt different emotions that I can’t describe well. But having gone through this experience I died and then I was re-born again, with a new understanding, new brain, new sense of gratitude. I could figure out who I was, what my mission in life is…
This is why I say it was a blessing… As I was changing, people around me were changing… We grew out of each other and it was the time for new, updated version of me, new mission of being of service to help other people change their lives and understanding of who they are on a deep personality level, inspire… Share my story…
My biggest learning is that you don’t get what you want, but you get what you need… And often we don’t know what we need, we are so stuck inside own head that we need coaching, illness, unexpected pregnancy, like it was in my case, to get out of our own head, as we can’t get out of it ourselves… So, I am grateful for this experience… Thank you ,life, for knowing better than me… Thank you ,my legs, for carrying me so well all these years… Thank you my heart for keeping me alive and supplying oxygen to my body… Thank you for this breath, breathing- means living and living makes me happy! Thank you…
Please share this if it might help and inspire….
Elena Goulden
Spotless Mind Coaching